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                            快樂課堂

                            “觀察”注意點

                            來源:創新作文發布時間:2017-06-05瀏覽數:440
                             王昌銘

                            病文入院

                            一輪紅日從海上徐徐升起,東方開始出現魚肚白,不一會兒,就云霞滿天了。我身披和煦的陽光,健步登上了海邊的一座小山。向山下望去,公路緊貼著山腳伸向遠方。公路兩邊的行道樹,一棵一棵好像撐天巨傘,重重疊疊的枝杈,給公路上漏下細碎的日影。海灣里,成群的漁船像親密的兄弟,魚貫著漸漸沒入朦朧的晨霧中……

                             

                            病情診斷

                            乍一看,詞語用得挺美的,可仔細研讀,漏洞就多了。

                            先從時間上來說,日出的順序應當是:魚肚白——晨霧朦朧——紅日徐升——云霞滿天。這一段文字卻前顛后倒,自相矛盾,以至鬧出了這樣的笑話:紅日已升起,東方才現魚肚白;早已紅霞滿天,又還有晨霧朦朧。

                            再從空間上來說,開頭和結尾是站在山上觀察景色,中間則是必須站在公路上、大樹下才能觀察到的景色,可作者并沒有敘述自己的位置移動了。

                            景物描寫要講究形與神的結合,情與理的統一,像這樣敘述順序不合情理,詞語再講究的文段,也只能落個笑柄。

                             

                            病愈出院

                            東方出現魚肚白后不久,一輪紅日從海上徐徐升起,過了一會兒就云霞滿天了。我身披和煦的陽光,健步登上了海邊的一座小山。向山下望去,公路緊貼著山腳伸向遠方。我又來到公路上,兩邊的行道樹一棵一棵好像撐天巨傘,重重疊疊的枝杈,在公路上漏下細碎的日影。再看遠處的海灣,成群的漁船像親密的兄弟,魚貫著漸漸融入淡淡的晨光中。

                             

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